The Completely Useless Items in a Marathon Runner’s Bag
© ASOBefore a race, marathon runners suddenly turn into asphalt survivalists. They plan for everything. Absolutely everything. The result? A bag that looks like it belongs to a hiker setting off on the GR20.
✓ Here’s a little selection of the (in)valuable treasures found in these over-equipped sports bags.
Anti-chafing cream
Runners love it, and we all know how many situations it can save. But if you applied it while getting ready that morning, you’re hardly going to slather on more just before the start. And after the race, it won’t be much use either. So bringing it to the start line may not be entirely necessary.
Sunscreen
It’s November 10 in Brest. The sky is grey, rain is on the way and there’s a headwind. Yet you’ve brought out the SPF 50. Are you sure sunscreen is really necessary?
Water
Hydration? Yes. Carrying 2.5 litres as if you were crossing the Sahara? No. You’re running, not climbing Everest. There’s water every 2 km. And at the finish, there’s always an ocean of it waiting for you.
Food
One fruit bar, two cereal bars, two bananas, one packet of Tuc crackers, three gels, half a baguette and some almonds. Er, isn’t that a bit much? Are you preparing for a race or catering a wedding? You’re running a marathon, not going on a picnic. Besides, one of those bars expired in 2023. Is that normal?
An emergency blanket
Wow, you really came prepared! You’re running a marathon, not heading off on an Arctic expedition. You must be feeling optimistic about your condition at the finish. It’ll be fine, don’t worry. Stay strong and enjoy the race!
A change of clothes
Yes, it’s practical and could come in handy after the race. But why are there two T-shirts, a pair of jeans, a pair of shorts, three pairs of socks and two jackets? Did you pack for another runner as well?
Safety pins
For starters, you have a bib belt. And even if we understand your desire to help out the whole of Wave 3, or the association you belong to, 20 safety pins is a bit much. Are you aiming to become the official supplier for the other runners?
© ASOA slightly questionable good-luck charm
A supposedly “precious” stone, a frayed bracelet, the finisher shirt from your first race, a note from your partner or even a photo of your cat. Which one of these do you actually trust the most? Objectively speaking, though, it’s the anti-cramp gel that will help you avoid hitting the wall at 30 km. Not Mistigri.
A Post-it with your mother’s phone number
Yes, saving the race control number or the doctor’s number in case of emergency is important, but… Your mum’s number? I’m not sure why you’d need that.
Nail clippers
No. Just no. You can’t cut your toenails on the pavement 10 minutes before the start. There has to be some basic dignity. Well, normally. Although…
A spare pair of shoelaces
We understand the anxiety. But honestly, is a double knot really not enough to calm you down?
In short, the bag is packed to the brim. It’s just missing a little common sense. But that’s also part of the charm of marathon runners: they run 42.195 km, yet set off carrying enough gear to survive a three-day power cut. You never know.